two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
