i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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