For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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