EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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