Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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