My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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