I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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