A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
