guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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