Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
