he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
