Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
