Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
