i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
