Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
