my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
