Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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