She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This gyro tastes like lonliness
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize