and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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