Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
