next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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