I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
