Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
