I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
