I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
