I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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