my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
