Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
