I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
