Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
