i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
