I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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