If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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