drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
