Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
