Your face is a jimmy john
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
