Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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