I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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