stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
