I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
