so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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