I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I want to fling myself into the sun
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
