Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize