I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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