I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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