Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
