Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
