I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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