I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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