The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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