jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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