Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
