she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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