Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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