It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
