I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
