Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
