Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
