Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
