Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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