I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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