just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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